


To Lose You Is To Never Love Again

by CurrentlyObsessed



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:33:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurrentlyObsessed/pseuds/CurrentlyObsessed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If this is it, than let me know it's it. I'm not playing anymore fucking games. Walk out, just leave. Go right ahead, if that's what you want".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse any spelling mistakes or nonsense mistakes, right now. This story has not been edited yet. Sorry if that makes it a bit confusing.

Frank and I just started at each other. Everything stood still and I could hear my heart beating in my chest. Frank had all of his emotions written plainly all over his face and it wasn't a question about what was going to happen next. He slowly shook his head at me and walked straight out the door. I didn't stop him. As the door shut, shaking the house, I suddenly felt really lonely. Really empty.

I sat down on the couch and ran my fingers through my hair, sighing frustratedly. Things just had a way of always going wrong between Frank and I. The fights were continuous, the tears where frequently, and the end, I guess, was inevitable. I sort of felt like it was less that we weren't meant to be, but more like be just couldn't be; neither of our parents accepted our relationship, I couldn't get a job, Frank worked two jobs, I drank too much, Frank said to little, there were too many bills, not enough time...The stress was bound to tear us apart eventually. But was this eventually?

Frank and I had broken up many times before (In 9 years of dating, a lot can go wrong), and we always managed to work it out in the end. As I cleaned up the broken glass on the ground, I couldn't help but feel that this time was different. Our fights had never been the intense before, and we certainly never threw anything at each other up until that point. Things just got so out of hand so quickly.   
Frank had come home from work, I had been slightly drunk and completely forgot about the laundry, and Frank was pissed. I completely understood why, but once he started yelling at me, I couldn't help but try and defend myself by yelling back. God knows that I should of just accepted his anger and tried to apologize, but there's only so much yelling you can take from a person.   
Frank would yell at me over the dumbest things; My hair was getting too long, my mom was too bitchy, I was to clingy, I didn't do enough to help out. You name it, Frank has probably yelled about it. All of this just seemed to build up and the shouting turned to throwing things, and the throwing things turned to shoving, until Frank just walked out. 

I didn't blame him, though, I would of walked out to. Frank deserved so much than me. He deserved someone who could actually get hired, who wasn't stupid enough to try and become a comic book artist for a living, someone who could be there for him they way he deserved, and could support him.   
Once all the glass had been picked up, I walked into the bathroom and started at myself in the mirror. My eyes were still red from drinking and lack of sleep, my hair looked more like a black fur that was trying to take over my head than actually hair, and I looked pale enough to be dead.   
Oh yeah, Frank deserved someone who was actually attractive, too. 

That night, I was lying in bed, slightly more drunk than earlier, and I couldn't get Frank out of my head. I wanted to hear his laugh, see his smile, look into his brown eyes and know that I'm safe and he's mine. I wanted to feel his small frame next to me as a slept, and feel his warmth. I wanted him. I couldn't take it any longer, and I pulled myself up out of bed. If I truly wanted him, than I'd have to go for him. 

I walked down the street, hoping that I didn't look too drunk, and wondering whether or not I had made the best decision. I was wondering down the street at 11pm, half drunk, and all by myself. Not only that, but two people had been murdered the week before only three blocks from where I was going. I wanted to turn back, but had pretty much just accepted the fact that I was stupid and that if  I got killed, it would be my fault. I didn't have a problem with that. If I died, at least it would be while I was trying to make things better with Frank.

I turned down Stutton Road, and walked up to the third house on the left. I was finally at Frank's apartment. My stomach turned nervously as I walked up to his door, and because of the bit of alcohol in me, I actually had to wait a moment a decide whether or not I actually thought I was going to puke. For some reason, throwing up on Frank didn't seem like the best way to apologize to him. Note the sarcasm.   
Once I decided that I was probably okay, I took a deep breath, and turned around to go back home.  
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It wouldn't be fair for me to barge in on Frank like that, at 12am. I just wanted to get home, drink, and pass out. God, I felt pathetic. On my way home I stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle of Vodka, so I could drink it on the way home. I didn't care. I wanted to curl up and die.

Once I finally reached my house, I reached into my pocket for my key to unlock the door. It wasn't there. My heart raced and I searched in the other pocket. There was no way I had lost, no goddamn way. But of course, with my luck, it wasn't there.   
I panicked a bit and paced back in forth. I didn't have my cell with me, so I couldn't call my little brother Mikey for help, and I was literally as drunk as shit. It was also right then when I noticed house fucking cold it was. Why the hell did I think it was going to be a good idea to good outside at night in the middle of November?  
My gut told me to just go to Frank's and ask for the spare key that he has to my place, but I couldn't. I didn't need him to see how much of an idiot I was. I sighed and started wandering around the street trying to find where I dropped the key, and looking for a good place to sleep and drink. It was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

I heard my phone ringing on the table beside me, and sat up tiredly. I looked at the clock; it was 3am. I picked up my phone angrily. If I was Gerard I sore that I was gonna fucking kill him for waking me up at 3am.

"Hello?", I asked harshly into the phone.

"Frank?", I quiet voiced asked back. I was surprised, I thought that it was going to be Gerard.

"Mikey? What are you calling for? It's 3am", I said with a small yawn.

"Is Gerard at your place?", Mikey asked sounding slightly worried, "He's not answering his phone".

I sighed.

"No, he's not here. We actually broke up...He's probably sleeping or something Mikey, 'cause, uh...You know, it's  _3am_ "

"I've been trying to call him since 12am, and he's usually never asleep that early, and even if he is, his phone ringing wakes him up!", Mikey said sounding more frantic, "Oh God, what if he went did something stupid because you guys broke up?"

Anxiety stirred around in my stomach thinking about that possibility. Mikey was right; it was pretty likely he went and did something dumb. Another reason why I had to break up with him; he's a fucking moron. But somehow, I didn't really feel angry. I actually felt worried.   
Fucking Gerard. 

"Look man, come swing by my place and we'll go to his place together, okay?", I said, trying to stay calm. 

After I hung up the phone, I got on my jacket and shoes and waited for Mikey outside my house. I couldn't help but feel like sometimes Gerard was just more trouble than he was worth...But that was a lie.   
Jesus Christ, Gerard was worth anything, especially him being safe. I wondered if I should of even walked away. I could still remember what Gerard had said to me right before I did.

 _"If this is it, than let me know it's it. I'm not playing anymore fucking games. Walk out, just leave. Go right ahead, if that's what you want"._  
  
That's exactly what he had said and that's exactly what I did. But I as I was standing there in the cold, I suddenly knew that I hadn't wanted to break up; I had just wanted to get away. I was angry, that was it. I couldn't image being without Gerard; not being able to see his tiny little teeth when he smiled, or hear his stupid little giggle, or read the dumb little comic strips he would right for me in the morning before I left for work. How come it took Gerard going missing and possibly being in danger, for me to notice how perfect he was. Well, maybe not perfect, more of an idiot really...But my idiot. He was my idiot and I wanted him more than anything.


	2. The Cold is Hot as Hell

When Mikey arrived, neither of us spoke a word to each other, and we headed off down the street. We both knew where we were gonna look first; the liquor store and if he wasn't there, we'd check the bar. As impulsive as Gerard is, he's pretty predictable when he's drunk...Which is pretty much always. As we walked down the street, I remembered when Gerard and I first met and started dating.

 _"Ray, seriously, I'm not in the mood to party", I groaned uselessly, as Ray drove down the street, headed for the fucking party._  
"No way Iero, it's time for you to actually have fun again, you're too tense all the time", Ray said, turning up the volume on the car CD player, "Now shut the fuck up and bask in the beauty of my new Anthrax CD".  
I just chuckled. Maybe Ray was right, it was probably time for me to have fun again. 

_It took Ray exactly 5 minutes to loose me at the party. I counted. I wasn't sure if he had done this on purpose to get me to talk to people, or if I was really just that invisible. Since I was alone, Ray couldn't tell me not to get drunk, so that's exactly what I did. Getting shitfaced would make me feel less awkward. I looked around the room for someone interesting enough to talk, I wasn't gonna spend the whole fucking party standing around by myself._   
_After deciding not to talk to the group of guys watching a hockey game on TV and yelling random drunken curses at what happened to me my favourite team, and going against the other group of guys who looked like they could beat me up and seemed more interesting in sticking theirs hands down random chicks pants, than talking; I noticed someone sitting by the window in the corner of the room, drinking and smoking a joint._   
_The persons hair was long and jet black, and their hands were rather dainty, but I could tell by the posture that I was definitely a man. He seemed quiet and way too girly looking to be a physical threat, so I decided that he was the one I was gonna talk to._   
_I wasn't exactly sure how to start talking to this dude, so I decided just to poke him on the back, a move I regretted 3 seconds later, when he jumped and spilt a bit of his drink on his lap._   
_"Aw, shit! Sorry man!", I said biting my lip and he looked down at the wet spot on his pants._   
_The guy just kinda shrugged and looked up at me, laughing. His eyes were brown but his pupils were so big that they kind of looked black. It almost made him look dangerous, kind of like an animal. Something about him made my stomach flutter._   
_"It's okay", he said with a giggly sigh. He was so fucking stoned._   
_He continued looking at me as if he was expecting me to do something, and then I remembered that I was the one who had gotten his attention in the first place. He wanted to know why, duh!_   
_"So uh, what do you think of this party?", I asked a awkwardly. He was really pretty. He made me feel unsure of myself._   
_He waved his hand loosely, making his drink spill a bit again, and shrugged._   
_"' S' alright, party's aren't really my thing though" he laughed, taking a sip of his drink, "The alcohol's good though"._

_It took exactly 10 minutes for us to start making out. I barely knew anything about him, other than the fact that his name was Gerard, which had slipped out between sloppy, rough, kisses as we made our way to the couch.  
Each kiss was almost needy and desperate, and every single on of his touches shot electricity down my spine. Gerard came on so strong and intense, and we smelt liked cigarette smoke and cheap beer. It made me feel on edge and comforted at the same time. I was positive that at any moment I'd wake up and Gerard would just be a dream. _

The memory made my throat tighten. Gerard and I had been so different back then. I could remember seeing Gerard as this mysterious, allusive, sexy artist, who was pretty much everything I had wanted to be. I was just some dumb music kid, who was being rebellious because of my parents divorcing, and was way too clingy. Back then, Gerard was the stable one, and I was the one who always needed fixing. He'd let me stay at his place when my parents were fighting, he let my cry all over his favourite 'The Smiths' band TV shirt after the court battle over which one of my parents would get full custody of me, and called me everyday during the summers when I had to stay with at my dad's. We were 16, then.   
It wasn't until Gerard was about 18, when things started going down-hill for him. At first he had constantly been stressed out over whether or not he'd get into SVA, the art school he wanted to get into. The was a lot more distant and moody around that time, but we were still okay. Then, when he finally got into the school, he had to take out student loans and got into major debt. That had been really rough on him, and only ever spoke a few times a month, the entire time he was at SVA.   
Next came the heavier pitfalls. Gerard got offered a job at the Cartoon Network, and when he finally got the chance to make is own show to actually be aired, he suddenly couldn't write or draw anymore. I can remember nights where he'd just still at his desk for hours, starting a piece of paper unable to move, and then he'd just get up and go to sleep. He'd spend 8 hours trying to best to  _something_ and he just couldn't do it. It was painful.  
Around that time, his grandmother started getting really sick, and that's when the drinking started. It was like he just couldn't handle life around him anymore, and drinking made it go away. If was drunk, he could ignore everything, pretend things were okay, and not have to feel bad. I did my best to be supportive, to remind him that I loved him, and be there like he had been for me, but I couldn't do what the alcohol did for him.   
That was a reality that I learned to accept, and we worked our relationship through his drinking and his grandmothers death, and when he got fired for coming to work drunk. Then, I had always assumed that the drinking and bad luck wouldn't carry on forever, but it had never been clearer now, that I was wrong.   
Here we were, 25 years old. Our relationship was cracked and broken, and I was now looking for him on the streets at 3am. 9 years can change a lot. 

I small moaning noise broke me out of my thoughts. It kinda sounded like it was coming from in the alley next to us. Mikey stopped beside me, and from the look on his face, I could tell that he had heard it too.   
  
"Hey Did you hear-", Mikey began saying.  
"Shh", I said, cutting him off.  
We both stood and silence for a moment, and then I heard it again. There was definitely someone in that alley, 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short and shitty. I'm going to correct the mistakes tomorrow, so sorry if the story is confusing right now. Its late at night.

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4am, and this is pretty much just a rough draft. I'm gonna revise and edit it tomorrow so it will make more sense, and hopefully have the next chapter up in a few days.


End file.
